Published on August 3, 2026 · Reading time 5 minutes · Written by Marta Coelho
Remember when your kid would tell you everything? About friends, emotions, the little wins and struggles of the day? And then around age 12 or 13, the doors started closing. The silence settles in. And when they do speak, it's often to push away your attempts to connect.
What few parents realize is that we actively contribute to that closure. Not out of meanness, of course. But through phrases that, even with the best intentions, create a feeling of misunderstanding and judgment in the teen.
As a parenting coach in French-speaking Switzerland for several years, I've seen three phrases show up again and again like a destructive refrain in families. And the good news? They're easy to spot and swap out.
You know it. Your teen comes home from school with pinched lips, furrowed brow. You can sense something's wrong. And your instinctive reaction? "Stop being grumpy. What did I do?"
What they hear: "Your emotions are annoying me. Hide them."
It's an instant shutdown. You just asked your teen to bury what they're feeling and pretend everything's fine. Exactly what you don't want them doing in real life.
The reframe: "I see something's on your mind. I'm here if you want to talk about it."
This phrase does three things: it acknowledges their emotion, it respects their timing (no pressure), and it opens the door. It says: "Your emotions are valid. I'm on your side." It's an invitation, not an accusation.
Ah, this one. It pops up when your teen hits any kind of difficulty. A friendship conflict, a disappointment, test anxiety. And you see a teaching moment. You open your mouth: "When I was your age, I never..." or "If I were you, I..."
What they hear: "You're weak. I handled it better. You're not measuring up."
The intention is to offer wisdom and perspective. But what you're actually delivering is an implicit comparison. And teens hate that.
The reframe: "This is tough what you're going through. Tell me more."
Then, after they've shared: "When I went through something similar, what helped me was... but maybe it'll be different for you?"
See the difference? You listen first. You validate. Then, if appropriate, you offer your experience — not as the solution, but as a resource to consider.
Your kid's friendship ends. A friendship that lasted since elementary school. For you, it's a normal cycle. For them, it's . And you, tired of watching them suffer, say:
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What they hear: "Your emotions aren't justified. You're too sensitive. Stop complaining."
More than shutting down communication, this phrase confirms to them that their emotions are "bad". And that's a time bomb for self-worth and emotional regulation.
The reframe: "I see this is really hard for you right now. Tell me what you miss the most."
It doesn't matter if, objectively, it's "not that bad." For them, it is. And that's the only reality that matters. Validating the depth of their feeling doesn't mean you think it's catastrophic. It means you respect their heart.
These three phrases — "Stop being grumpy," "When I was your age," "Don't be dramatic" — share a common structure. They all send the same lie to your teen's core:
"I don't understand why you feel this way. And honestly, I'm not sure I want to understand."
Teens pick up on this distance like radar. And that's when they close up, looking for validation elsewhere — from friends who understand them no better, but at least don't judge.
If you recognize these phrases in your own parenting vocabulary, don't judge yourself. Every parent I coach uses one or the other. What matters is awareness.
From now on, when you feel one of these phrases rising, pause. Ask yourself: "What do I really want? Do I want my teen to be quiet? Or do I want my teen to trust me?"
The answer will guide your words.
Teen-parent communication is a dance. It's learned. And like any dance, it takes practice and self-compassion.
If you sense the silence thickening, the connection fraying, the conflicts dragging on — you're not alone. Families across French-speaking Switzerland face these same challenges. And there are tools, tested approaches, that actually work.
MC-TERRA supports parents in emotional coaching to restore dialogue and strengthen the teen-parent bond. Marta Coelho, based in Rolle, offers individual and family sessions tailored to your situation. Because every family has its own dynamic. And every teen deserves a parent who truly sees their emotions.
