Published on July 20, 2026 · Reading time 6 minutes · Written by Marta Coelho
Guilt says: "I did something wrong."
Shame says: "I am something wrong."
That's the difference between them. And that's why shame is the most destructive, most silent, most hidden emotion.
Because if you did something wrong, you can fix it. But if YOU are something wrong? How do you fix that?
Shame creates a closing reaction. Unlike anger, which explodes outward, or sadness, which seeks comfort, shame implodes.
It tells you: "Hide. Disappear. Nobody must see what you really are."
And it's effective as a survival strategy. If you grow up with shame, you quickly learn to create masks. To show an "acceptable" version of yourself to the world.
But the price? It's enormous.
Shame never begins on its own. It's always implanted.
Usually by someone who told you—explicitly or implicitly—that you weren't good enough.
Your critical parent who always pointed out what was wrong. Your sibling who ridiculed you. A teacher who humiliated you. A peer who excluded you.
And your young brain concluded: "There's something wrong with me. I'm defective."
Shame took root.
In Rolle, when I meet someone carrying a lot of shame, I usually notice:
They work relentlessly to prove they are NOT what shame whispers. "I'm capable. I'm competent. I'm not defective."
But it comes from fear, not love. And it's exhausting.
They become dissociated. Nothing really touches them. They stay at the surface. Because if they let someone truly close, they'd see the shameful "truth" about them.
They give everything so others will love them. Because if others love them, maybe it's true they're not defective after all.
They simply avoid people. No connection = no risk that someone discovers the truth.
They point out others' flaws before someone can point out theirs. It's a form of protection.
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All these masks? Shame creates them.
Shame is often attached to the body and sexuality. If you were taught your body was bad, that your desires were "too much," shame settles in deeply.
You might spend your adult life avoiding intimacy, or accepting it without really enjoying it.
You're afraid to aim high because something tells you you don't deserve it. That it's presumptuous. That you'll fail and confirm your defectiveness.
So you play small.
You stay silent when you want to speak. You hold back your opinions because you fear judgment or ridicule.
You slowly disappear.
You attract people who treat you badly because part of you believes that's what you deserve. Or you reject people who love you because you can't imagine why they would.
Chronic shame creates chronic illness. Your nervous system is constantly on alert, hiding something, protecting something.
It ages your body. It affects your sleep. Your digestion. Your immunity.
A particularly insidious form of shame is that attached to "small things." Things that don't seem to warrant therapy.
"My parent wasn't abusive. They just said I was too sensitive. I shouldn't make such a big deal of it."
"My teacher just criticized my work. Others get over it. Why can't I?"
"My classmate excluded me from a party. It wasn't a big trauma. I shouldn't be affected."
But here's the thing: shame accumulates. These "small things" pile up. And suddenly, at forty, you discover your entire life has been shaped by shame you didn't even know you carried.
First, you must tell the truth: "I carry shame."
Not specific guilt about an action. Shame about who you are.
And you must name it specifically. Where did you learn it? What were you told about yourself?
"My father told me I was weak." "My mother criticized my body." "I was told my emotions were too much."
Name it.
Shame is never THE TRUTH about you. It's a conclusion you drew based on defective information.
You were a child. You had a developing brain. You trusted the adults around you.
They told you something about yourself. And you believed it.
But now, as an adult, you can ask: "Is it true?"
Usually, the answer is no.
Here's the real healing: you must start treating yourself with compassion.
Not as an adult who "should know better." But as the child who received this shameful message.
"Little you, you were told something very harmful. It wasn't true. You were never defective. You've never been defective."
Say that to yourself. Again and again. Until your nervous system begins to believe it.
Shame heals in connection. It's ironic—the emotion that makes you want to hide must be healed by showing yourself to someone else.
A therapist. A coach. A support group. A trusted friend.
When someone else sees you—really sees you—and decides anyway that you're okay, something changes deeply in your brain.
A powerful tool I often use with my clients in Vaud is family constellations.
Because shame comes from the family system, and it often needs to be healed within the family system.
By working with the constellation, you can literally "return the shame to its place of origin"—usually the parent or situation that imposed it—and reclaim your innocence.
It's transformative. Because your nervous system knows a part of that shame was never YOURS.
The ultimate healing of shame isn't "becoming perfect" or "becoming good enough." It's accepting that you're human.
Imperfect. Complex. Sometimes confused. Sometimes afraid. Sometimes strong. Sometimes weak.
And that? It's okay. It's enough. It's worthy.
Your humanity isn't a flaw to hide. It's your beauty to show.
At MC-TERRA, I accompany people in Rolle and throughout French-speaking Switzerland to heal the deep shame they carry. This requires a compassionate approach and often a multidimensional one—emotional coaching, family constellations, somatic work.
It's courageous work. And it's one of the most transformative works you can do.
You've carried shame for too long and you're ready to begin healing it? Schedule a session with me to explore this emotion in a safe and kind space. You deserve freedom.
